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May. 18th, 2009

She deserves better...

Alice Murphy is my best friend in the whole entire world. I have never met anyone like her, ever. She has made me the person that I am today (other than the ed) and I wish I could be honest with her. In English class, her class had to write essays on who they admire most...she wrote about me. She just sent me her essay because she wanted me to know how she really felt about me.

Here's one part that made me just break down.
(First she described part of my home-life and stuff like that.)
"Despite all that, Molly has stayed a good kid. She's never gotten depressed or had any disorder or done any drugs. She has such bad experiences and influences all around her but she still stays strong in what she knows is right, and she makes good choices. She doesn't let her home or social life affect the way she lives, and the kind of person she is, and I admire her for that."

"...or any disorder."
I want to tell her so badly. She deserves to know. I know she has suspected it before, but she's never really confronted me about it. She trusts me. I want to tell her, I know that I should tell her. I feel absolutely horrible when she tells me secrets and I can't be as honest with her as she is with me. She deserves better.

I've decided, I will tell her once I get to 104 lbs.

I love her and hope to someday, eventually show her this.
Alice, I am truly honored to be your friend. I lied to you and should have told you earlier. I feel like I don't deserve you, you're too good for me. You're a beautiful person, both in appearance and personality. You are a strong girl and I hope you realize that. I honestly don't know what I would do without you in my life. You are responsible for the good in me. You push me to be greater than I think I can be and you motivate me to be a better person. To me, you are perfect in every single way. That may sound corny, but we're corny girls.
I love you.

May. 13th, 2009

Maybe she's the reason...


My mom hugs me and immediately asks
"Have you put on weight?"
........................................................................
I've lost 10 lbs in the past two weeks...

And what hurts me the most, is thinking about how this isn't an unusual statement for her. All my life it's been "Don't eat that or you'll get fat" or "That's going to go straight to your thighs."

And I wonder why I have my ed...

May. 12th, 2009

Kate...

MY SISTER IS FINALLY HOME FROM COLLEGE!!!
I love her so much and I'm so glad she's home, but she eats like all the time and it's gonna be hard to find excuses not to eat. Eating used to be like a bonding thing for us.

Our mom always tells us that if we eat this we'll get fat or if we drink that it'll all go to our hips, so we used to sneak out and go to like taco bell, just to go against what our mom said. Well, I don't know what to do now...

Oh well, I'm still just so glad that she's home <3

May. 11th, 2009

Skank-bag McGee...

     So there's this girl in my 3rd hour. I don't want to say names, so for now, she will be refered to as "Skank-bag McGee". Well the past week, she had some really bad sickness and she was in the hospital for 4 days (boo fricken hoo). She was talking about how she didn't eat and only threw up for 4 whole days and she got down to 86 lbs. She looks exactly the same to me and everyone else that I've talked to about it.

     She was talking to her friends and they were all like "Oh my god please sweetie, promise me you'll gain the weight back" and she was like (in a pathetic fake dramatic voice) "I'm really trying. My mom took me to a burger place last night and got me a huge burger, but my stomach had shrunk so much, I just couldn't get it all down."

     She's milking this for so much attention and it's so annoying. She's talking about it like she was near death or something! Right now, I'm so overwhelmed by everything, I wish I would have to go to the hospital. It's bad, but I'm just so stressed, I've been restricting even more just hoping that I'll pass out so I can escape the world just for a little while.

I want to smack her in the face. I really hated her before this, but now I just want to

May. 7th, 2009

Perfect World...


I was reading a post on anorexicqueen from bellangel_wings and it got me thinking. What would I change about my body if I could?

1.) I would be skeletally thin
2.) My hair would be blonder
3.) My hair would look like it does now with product in, but I wouldn't have to put anything in it.
4.) My eyes would be brighter.
5.) I wouldn't have zits.
6.) I wouldn't have any hair in unwanted places.
7.) I wouldn't be so veiny.
8.) My teeth would be whiter.
9.) I'd have more defined jaw, cheek, and collar bones.
10.) I'd have a smaller nose.
11.) I'd have pinker lips.
12.) My teeth would more rectangular.
13.) I wouldn't have as many scars.
14.) I'd have perfect eyebrows.
15.) My ears would be smaller.
16.) I wouldn't have blonde eyelashes.
17.) I'd be healthier (in an organ sense).
18.) I would have a longer face.
19.) I would have a longer torso.
20.) I would be more flexible.
21.) I would have a bigger upper lip.
22.) I would be tanner.
23.) I would have bigger eyes.
24.) I would wouldn't crack when I bend my joints.
25.) My arms would be smaller.
26.) My stomach would be more concave.
27.) My thighs wouldn't touch at all.
28.) Even when I put my head down I wouldn't have any fat build up at all.
29.) My back would be freakishly boney.


I see all these flaws in myself. I can't help but feel like everyone else can see them too...

May. 2nd, 2009

This can't be a good sign...


     So on this site, I used to read posts of girls who would talk about how their social life has gone down the drain because of their eating disorder. I used to think to myself "That doesn't even make sense. Why would you become unsocial because of your eating disorder. I'm still social even though I don't eat. What are they doing so wrong?" Well...I was wrong. Very wrong.

     It's Saturday night, my one best friend is at prom, my other best friend is hanging out with her boyfriend, and I'm sitting at home, alone, watching the Dr.Phil episode with Aimee the bulimic girl as thinspo. I got asked to hang out tonight by Chris, but I told him that I had to go to some "dumb dinner party". My parents are having a dinner party, but kids aren't allowed. I didn't have to stay home, but I chose to. The sad thing is, this is typical for me now. I would prefer staying home alone or hanging out at one of my two best friends' houses than go out in a big group of people. It's just too tireing.

     I'm unsocial and I'm worried that my friends will all fade away because that's what has happened to many other girls on here. I can't get a boyfriend because I can't really seem to let anybody into my life in a serious way. I joke around and am sarcastic. I get guy friends, not boyfriends. I think my intense sense of humor is just a way for me to cope with the pain and struggles in my life. I joke about them as if they're not real.

     My mom just called me downstairs to get food: salmon, peppers, zuccini, and pesto noodles. I ate 1 slice of zuccini, 4 pesto noodles, and 2 bites of salmon. Then I went upstairs and flushed the rest down the toilet. When I flushed, I felt so empowered and satisified. After my body took a little time to take in the food I had just eaten, my stomach stopped growling and I'm not hungry anymore. I can't get this taste of salmon out of my mouth and  I hate it.

I just want to be hollow and clear. 
Clean.
Happy.
But I can't be. I never will be. I feel like I've forgotten how to be.

    

Multiculti day...

     It was "multi culti day" at my school on Friday (yesterday). That's when we get an hour for lunch,  not 40 minutes like we normally do. All of the clubs set up stands and sell different kinds of food. They have crepes, egg rolls, curry, snow cones, mexican food, hoagies, ect. My friends decided that we'd get egg rolls. I couldn't get out of this situation. They each got two and I got one veggie one.  It had this orange sauce poured all over it. Whenever I'd dip it in sauce, I'd jam it into the plate making the majorityy of its filling come out onto the plate. They didn't make me eat that part, they didn't even really notice so I felt good :)

Then we went inside to get more food. Round two...
We were looking around for a while, they wanted to get snow cones but we couldn't find the stand. I told them that I didn't want one and they were okay with it.

As we were walking around, we passed the JV Girls Soccer table. I knew a bunch of girls on the team so they all were like "Common Molly, buy some cookies and help find a cure for cancer." I told them that I'd come back and that I didn't really want a cookie, but I might just donate a dollar. Then Alice says "No, you need to eat something. Buy some cookies."
I told her that I wasn't hungry
She said "How can you not be hungry? You ate like 40% of your egg roll and that's all you've eaten today"
(That's more than I've usually eaten by that time of day.)

She told me that I needed to eat and if I didn't buy the cookies, I'd have to eat something else. Everything else seemed much more calorie filled so I went with the cookies. Yes I could have argued with her, but I really didn't want to make a big deal out of it or else they'd really suspect something. I got the cookies (2 small ones came in a bag) and I slowly began to eat them. Then I realized that it was really crowded, they'd never know if I just happened to, I don't know, accidentally drop a few crumbs. So I started ripping off pieces of cookie and throwing them across the floor. 

I was proud  but still felt repulsive for eating that much. The egg roll was so greasy and the cookies were so sugary.
Ew

Apr. 30th, 2009

...

     I just found out that my coach is in the hospital
Last year she got sick. She was having problems with her liver. She lost a lot of weight really quickly, her skin turned a yellow-y tint, and she bruised very very easily. Over the summer she took medicine and she was almost as good as new. She was fine up until yesterday and she's been in the hospital ever since.
Her husband sent the team an e-mail saying that she was in the hospital, but won't say what for. We don't know if she just has a bad case of the flu or if her liver is failing.

She's like a mother to me and if she's not okay...I don't even want to think about what will happen if she's not okay.

My head feels numb. But I have a million thoughts going through my mind all at once. I'm stuck in like a chaotic cloud and I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate on anything but I have homework, a clarinet lesson, and a french lesson tonight.

I like don't know what to do with myself.
I've felt nauseous ever since I got the text from my teammate.

 

Apr. 29th, 2009

C/S...

I just c/s 3 lbs worth of food
I feel really anxious and guilty
And I don't even know why

Apr. 28th, 2009

Survey...it's more fun than doing homework

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